Grateful - Be it!

Of everything I am - I am fortunate. Sometimes in the darker times, I throw my hands up to the sky, curse the fates, and ask why. But, I am still fortunate.

I hope that whatever it said of me - it will never be said that I am ungrateful. I am so very grateful to my friends - and to my husband's friends. They are the mortar to our bricks - the very thing that holds us together when we alone would fall apart. I am grateful for my family - without them, I would be a mere shell of what I was meant to be. I am rarely as divinely happy as I am in Costa Mesa at Plums, chatting over a cup of coffee with my mom. I am rarely as carefree as I am on those perfect Austin days, with the sunroof open, the windows down, and my music turned way up. I am rarely as relaxed as I am on my neighbor Kate-E's couch, with a glass of wine, discussing the night away. I am rarely as perfectly me, as I am when I'm with my best friend, Deb. I rarely feel as loved or as cherished as I am when I'm with my husband - one of the few people in the world who truly, truly get what makes me - me.

I was having one of those perfect-Austin-weather, carefree sunroof days today. And when I came over a crest on the highway, I felt like I could see forever - and it was beautiful. I wished for my best friend in the passenger seat, like old times so that I could share it with her. I hope one day soon I can. Then I thought of Ben, and felt like of all days perhaps he was the one in the passenger seat with me instead, and I could almost hear him in his supremely Ben way, saying that he loved this time of year in Texas. Ben, with the permanent tan. :) I am supremely grateful for him. To never have been his friend, or his neighbor would have been a greater loss for me.

So, if you read this blog - I'm quite likely thankful for you in some way as well. I am a sarcastic person - but always a grateful one. So I leave you with one of my favorite songs of the moment, and a chorus that literally has me throw my hands up in the air with the beautiful praise of it.

Love that will not betray you,

dismay or enslave you,

it will set you free,

be more like the man,

you were made to be.

Add a little love to your day, whether it's thankfulness for a beautiful day in general - or a little bit of appreciation for those who know and love you best.

Without Darkness, You'd Never See the Stars...

As I'm emerging from my weird three-month cocoon of work, grief, love, and life itself - I'm having a hard time "getting back to normal". It occurred to me this morning, that this is my new normal. My husband and I lost a very good friend in Ben, but thank you to Ben for giving me Kate-E, her sister Laura, and so many of his very good friends who have all come together to bond in our grief and in the loss of such an amazing human being. You were never a stranger to Ben, within 5 minutes - you were his friend. We should all be so lucky to have been one.

I am finally halfway through my first month of being uninjured at Crossfit and I have to admit, my thirty year old body is a little rougher around the edges and slower to heal than my twenty year old body. However, I have a beautiful thirty year old soul - and even on the days when my jeans are snug, and running hurts so badly that I want to just stop - I am thankful for it.

The end of the year and the holidays always brings to mind changes and the resolutions of a new year. I've made a few already - I want to run a mile 5 times a week to get over my utter and complete hatred of running. Most importantly, I want to be kind, and warm. I've been working on this one for awhile (thank you again, Ben). I make cookies for my trash guys and package them up and put them out with the cans every Wednesday. Because they are helpful to me, and I want to thank them for it. Some might argue - they're just doing their job. I remember saying when I worked at Dell that you never got kudos for "just doing your job"- but maybe you should. My lovely friend Dana is a stay-at-home mom of two. I give her mental kudos every day, as someone who gets super irritated when my dog gets needy - I absolutely could not do her job. She deserves the kudos and the cookies too. Maybe sometimes we just need to tell people that we admire what they do - or give them a big thank you for making your life better, no matter how they do it.

I've already decided to sign back up for the I Am Crossfit challenge again this year. I was injured halfway through it last year, and though I limped my way through it - I am determined to emerge victorious this year. I will be running, and finish with my arms in the air and my head held high - proud of DOING something I wasn't even sure i THOUGHT I could do.

A lesson for life - half of it is just showing up and being there.

A little note..

Trying to get back into my blog, but for some reason - the heart hasn't been in it lately. I've been having some health problems and combined with the hole in my world where Ben used to be - it's been difficult to get motivated but I'm getting back.

I've been in the kitchen lately cooking some old favorites, so maybe I'll decide to make a few new ones to post here soon.

Instead, I'll post a 'loldog' in honor of German Shepherd Week and my beloved Mr. Travis... (and yes my beloved Dana, I do see the spelling error in the loldog -they're on purpose in these, I promise!)

In Mourning

This blog is mourning the loss of my beloved friend and neighbor, Ben Gardner. I tried many of these recipes out on him and his lovely wife Kate-E before they were ever seen here. He was an amazing friend and truly one of the happiest and most loving people I've ever met. My heart hurts for the loss of him and for his wife Kate-E, who my family and I love dearly.

I don't know how long this break will be but I need time to mourn my friend.