CAN.

"Do not wish to be anything except what you are." - St. Francis de Sales

I spend a lot of my life wishing to be things. Skinnier. Faster. Stronger. Maybe it's time to stop and savor the victories - big or small, the things that I already am.

I am faster. Today, for exactly the second time in my life - I ran a full mile without stopping. Some people can do this in their sleep - for me, I always joke that I should be voted 'most likely to be eaten by a bear' because I'd be the easiest to catch. It's always been a minor (and petty) frustration of mine that my husband can go out and run a mile after not even trying for months or years. He just hits the track and keeps going. Maybe that's the part I'm missing - the part that cheers myself on and points out that if I just put one foot in front of the other consistently, I will make it. Maybe it's time to shut the voice up that whispers so loudly "you're making a fool out of yourself" or "you can't do this". I can. I've done it twice in two weeks. I absolutely can.

I am skinnier. I may not be skinny but I'd rather be strong. I'd rather have legs that can run a mile, arms that can swing that 16kg or 20kg kettlebell like it's a piece of me. I'd rather be happy that I can deadlift my body weight - and I hope that I've surrounded myself with people who support me in all that and love me for it. Just like I gave up the elliptical for Crossfit, I hope I can give up that whispery negativity for a louder voice that says "Keep it up!" and "You're almost there!". I say this consistently every week to the women who sweat beside me at Crossfit - maybe it's time to start saying it to myself.

Grateful - Be it!

Of everything I am - I am fortunate. Sometimes in the darker times, I throw my hands up to the sky, curse the fates, and ask why. But, I am still fortunate.

I hope that whatever it said of me - it will never be said that I am ungrateful. I am so very grateful to my friends - and to my husband's friends. They are the mortar to our bricks - the very thing that holds us together when we alone would fall apart. I am grateful for my family - without them, I would be a mere shell of what I was meant to be. I am rarely as divinely happy as I am in Costa Mesa at Plums, chatting over a cup of coffee with my mom. I am rarely as carefree as I am on those perfect Austin days, with the sunroof open, the windows down, and my music turned way up. I am rarely as relaxed as I am on my neighbor Kate-E's couch, with a glass of wine, discussing the night away. I am rarely as perfectly me, as I am when I'm with my best friend, Deb. I rarely feel as loved or as cherished as I am when I'm with my husband - one of the few people in the world who truly, truly get what makes me - me.

I was having one of those perfect-Austin-weather, carefree sunroof days today. And when I came over a crest on the highway, I felt like I could see forever - and it was beautiful. I wished for my best friend in the passenger seat, like old times so that I could share it with her. I hope one day soon I can. Then I thought of Ben, and felt like of all days perhaps he was the one in the passenger seat with me instead, and I could almost hear him in his supremely Ben way, saying that he loved this time of year in Texas. Ben, with the permanent tan. :) I am supremely grateful for him. To never have been his friend, or his neighbor would have been a greater loss for me.

So, if you read this blog - I'm quite likely thankful for you in some way as well. I am a sarcastic person - but always a grateful one. So I leave you with one of my favorite songs of the moment, and a chorus that literally has me throw my hands up in the air with the beautiful praise of it.

Love that will not betray you,

dismay or enslave you,

it will set you free,

be more like the man,

you were made to be.

Add a little love to your day, whether it's thankfulness for a beautiful day in general - or a little bit of appreciation for those who know and love you best.