Me vs. Myself

This morning's workout was BRUTAL, especially for those of us who are not a huge fan of putting one foot in front of the other, quickly (AKA running...).

Michael (scaled):
3 rounds
800 meter run
50 GHD situps
50 Hip Extensions

After getting less than 6 hours of sleep (thanks hubs! ;) ) - It was certainly not a workout I wanted to contemplate.

My alarm went off, I cracked open one eyeball - and the negative Nan voice totally kicked in. It went a little something like this:

Nan: Get up? Already? But you're so tired... you'll never be able to do that workout when you're so tired. Go back to bed...


Me: that sounds awesome. Bed. Yes. NO. NO. WAKE UP.

Nan: No, it's totally okay to sleep in and miss your workout. It's running. You hate running. And you're so very tired....

I'll spare you the rest - but I won. :) So there I was, up and at 'em at 5:30am and heading to Crossfit. This will now be referred to as the workout where I beat Nan. I made it through two rounds without walking or stopping to gasp for air on my run, which was amazing! Then came another test... my coach called out that there were 90 seconds left - not enough time to run my last 800 meters. This is where I usually cave. I sit. I relax. Maybe I'll even stretch a little - but I won't submit myself to another run when it won't count.... except today.

Today, I hopped up from my hip extensions - and ran a 400 meter instead. I told Nan to shut it when she was howling with fury, denied the chance to sit and slack instead of running when both legs felt like they had 100lbs attached to them and didn't want to move. Not only did I run - I ran it as fast as I could. It may not have counted on the white board - but it certainly counted inside.

CAN.

"Do not wish to be anything except what you are." - St. Francis de Sales

I spend a lot of my life wishing to be things. Skinnier. Faster. Stronger. Maybe it's time to stop and savor the victories - big or small, the things that I already am.

I am faster. Today, for exactly the second time in my life - I ran a full mile without stopping. Some people can do this in their sleep - for me, I always joke that I should be voted 'most likely to be eaten by a bear' because I'd be the easiest to catch. It's always been a minor (and petty) frustration of mine that my husband can go out and run a mile after not even trying for months or years. He just hits the track and keeps going. Maybe that's the part I'm missing - the part that cheers myself on and points out that if I just put one foot in front of the other consistently, I will make it. Maybe it's time to shut the voice up that whispers so loudly "you're making a fool out of yourself" or "you can't do this". I can. I've done it twice in two weeks. I absolutely can.

I am skinnier. I may not be skinny but I'd rather be strong. I'd rather have legs that can run a mile, arms that can swing that 16kg or 20kg kettlebell like it's a piece of me. I'd rather be happy that I can deadlift my body weight - and I hope that I've surrounded myself with people who support me in all that and love me for it. Just like I gave up the elliptical for Crossfit, I hope I can give up that whispery negativity for a louder voice that says "Keep it up!" and "You're almost there!". I say this consistently every week to the women who sweat beside me at Crossfit - maybe it's time to start saying it to myself.